I hear a noise

This was written when I was extremely down. I’m only putting this in the open as a reminder for myself. I’m a sad person by default and extremely sensible. I’ve been going into spirals and feeling down a lot recent. This is a shit text and a bad story, you should not read it. Consider yourself warned.

I hear a noise. It’s an agonizing noise that I’ve been hearing my entire life. Sometimes it goes away for a couple of weeks, then it comes back. In some way, it’s always present, even if I’m not hearing it.

Sometimes it happens when I’m with my family, with my friends, or by myself. When I’m with people, it’s quite hard to handle. The noise keeps growing, and I can’t really understand what people are talking about anymore. I start to get confused about what they’re saying to me. They don’t understand what’s happening or why I suddenly can’t hear them. I try to explain, but the noise keeps ruining my thoughts; it’s difficult to focus and explain the issue. Eventually, people stop trying to understand, or I stop trying to explain. So, I go back to being by myself, still hearing the noise…

A lot of times, it’s easier to handle the noise when I’m alone. I can keep doing what I’m doing. The noise has been so present for so long that I can ignore it when I’m alone. I can focus on whatever task I’m doing as long as I don’t have to think about interactions. That’s not always true. Normally, the noise is in the background. While annoying, it can be ignored with sheer focus. But sometimes, the noise is just too loud, like an ambulance ringing inside my head. I can’t focus, I can’t listen, I can’t do anything.

Funny enough, no matter how many times I hear this noise, I just can’t figure out what it sounds like. I’ve never heard anything like it before. If I were asked to describe this sound, I wouldn’t know how to start. It’s difficult to know how to solve it, too. I can’t search for a noise that I can’t describe. Searching for “sound” is too vague, so if I search it on Reddit or Google, I just can’t find anything. I even tried asking multiple LLMs, but they just give me random diseases as answers. I’m not sick, and my ears are fine. I’m not sick.

While writing this, the noise is very strong. It’s hard to write because it’s so loud it keeps distracting me. I’m trying my best to focus on each word while the noise keeps ringing inside my head. I’m starting to tremble, but I’m not afraid. I feel sick, but I’m fine. I’m not sure; I only know this is not normal, and there has to be something wrong happening with me.

I see that there are lights outside my window. I am very sensitive to light, but looking at this clear, bright light, I feel a little calmer. The noise is still ringing, but I see something that comforts me when I look outside my window. I don’t know what this light is, but it seems to help me with this noise.

I’m going to go check it right now.